Devastation

I'm not supposed to be here. at BYU. This place is not where I should be. I decided this today, after being devastated by something I saw... I've been crying pretty much all day.

Here at BYU, the people aren't real. they're too white, and mormon, and too... fake. I get this general feeling that everyone I see is as Jesus would say, a "Whited Sepulchre." It scares me, and makes me not enjoy my life.

I'm supposed to be at home, taking care of my little sisters, helping them with math, teaching them lessons. I'm supposed to be in a society that is flawed, but in a way that I can change. not in one where it's flawed, and I cannot change that.

The Honor Code here is a double edged sword. sure, it stops people from drinking, smoking, or all sorts of other vices, but... it also limits agency. I mean, the whole plan is based upon agency, right? People are supposed to be tested, and have the choice to live as God wants them to, or not. The trouble with this place is that everyone is cookie-cutter, goody-goody, and just... they're all freaking clones. there's NO diversity at all. even if someone isn't white, they act like it. conflict is covered up, and ugh. I cannot stand it. In SLC, I can fix the problems, by being a good person, and helping others. Here, I cannot change the problem, because it is the opposite extreme. There is little bad, so good is devalued. This place is just not where I need to be.

I could fully take advantage of the girl-boy ratio here, by being a jerk, and playing several girls, but... that's not what I want. I don't want to be here. I need evil to balance out the good. I don't want to be complacent. I just... ugh. I don't remember why I ever wanted to come here. was it because I wanted to, or because that's just what my siblings have done, so... I should too? Can I go back to when I was deciding where to go to college, and choose the U instead?